Much Needed Break.

I am looking forward for my UK trip, and this is an understatement.

That's all I am thinking about for weeks, I need break from work. I need to unwind and rethink a lot of things.
Too bad my wife and kids unable to join me this time, as I am going just an escort for my parents, but, I still can have fun.

And I am really hopeful that ash from Iceland doesn't interfere with the flight schedule, or else everything will be ruined!

Where I am Going? - Thats the title for my blog (for now) and its funny, when I look at the header banner for the  blog, it list streets of London, which when I put it up, it thought it was rather suitable picture, very related to the tittle, not in my wildest dream I was thinking that will be going to London this year!

UK (hopefully other countries in Europe too), here I come!

Hate-Hate and Love-Love

Lately I have been really down, mostly about work. There seem to be lots going on and I feel I am being left out, unable to catch up.
And I was speaking to bunch of colleague, on how de-motivated I am.

They said, it simple, I have been filling my heart with negativity and hatred. I have been letting my mind to be poisoned slowly with hatrate and negativity.

And I suddenly I realized the truth, I have been here before, at this same place, and I already know that, hatred will consume you, but I forgot!

Sometimes you think you been through things in life and you have learnt your lesson, but we are only human, we forget and we need our memory reinforced time to time. We need to be around good company, bunch of friends that think positive and push you into right direction when you are lost.

I am not going to let my heart filled with hatred, if I left it grow, it will consume my whole heart and turn it into chunk of cold coal!

What I need to do now is breath in and out real slow and take a step at a time.

RM200

I paid that much basically for nothing today, all because of "Ayam Golek" in Bazaar Ramadhan.

I have been longing for Ayam Golek since the beginning of Ramdhan. So 2 weeks back, I decided to sink my teeth into one no matter what. Headed straight to Kelana Jaya Baazar after work. As usual no parking. Despite H1N1, crowd was crazy. I found a narrow parking between a car and a tree. So sure that I can squeeze my car in between, I slide in the gap confidently. Screeetcchhhh....... my heart stop few beats, and I felt that as though some one torn my balls with a razor! Ouchhhh!
Reversed my car and checked, there was a big tree bark on the passenger seat side. It left a decedent dent and scratch under the passenger door.

THIS AYAM GOLEK BETTER BE WORTH IT!!!!

Can things go anymore wrong? Yeap it can! There were no Ayam Golek stall.

I bought my next favorite thing, nasi kerabu, thank God, it was heavenly!

Today I managed to send the car for dent job, it cost me RM200.

Gollum's Song

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

Sometime I just do the craziest things!

Just when I thought when my life is boring, monotonous and lack adventure, I just do thing that surprise myself!
It is just fun once a while to do spontaneous stuffs, it just give you some rush.
Now I have to wonder no more!

Michael Jackson

I wasn't really a fan. I like his songs and thats all. But everyone LOVED his video, that's for sure.
On my 17th birthday, a group of friends gave me "Dangerous". I loved it, I listened to it day and nite. But then again, still I wasn't a fan.
Now that he is gone, I am finding myself listening to his songs days and nite, in the car, in office, everywhere.
What a great lost to the world!!!
My favorite now is BEN, this song can drove you to tears, thinking about the sweet innocent boy singing about hmmm probably a dog. He had no idea what future holds for him, it just too tragic.
All I can say is he truly united the whole world through his music.
Rest in Peace MJ!
Al-Fatiha, Amin.

Liberated

It is strange.

I am not sure what I am feeling now. Happy, confused? I feel heavy burden have been lifted off my shoulder.

World seem bearable now. I feel I can face this, whatever coming my way. and I wonder why I waited this long for this?

Yes, I feel liberated.

The Quiet Man

This picture got nothing to do with this post, it is apparently a movie, which turn up when I googled for suitable image for this post.

• many problem in my life would not have happened if I have kept my big f*&8ng mouth shut. Seriously! Now when I look back, things would have much more simpler if I just had keep my mouth shut, no matter how strong the urge to voice up my bottled up emotions.
• People say it take much courage to break free from silence and finally voice out you emotion, but I would say that it requires much more strength just to keep everything bottled up and just keep quiet.
• Next time I gonna do exactly that, keep quiet, give a fake insincere smile and node my head and let it all go with the flow. I just don't give a damn anymore.
  

I am a bad person.

There you go! That bold statement. Hope this will satisfy certain parties.

I am not going to apologies to anyone. I done what needed to be done. I am only human. There is limit for everything. I am tired of thinking and analyzing what I did and what I have should have not done. I am pass that stage. I am emotionally drained. I have no more energy for this. I don't want to think that I am at fault all the time. Even if the whole world is blaming me, than I will take it as the rest of the world is screw up, not me!

I am at the edge or reasoning. I am have reached the limit for my patient. I only can pray for strength from God. There is no need to argue anymore!

I am no superman.

Katakanlah, ada sekumpulan manusia ni, dia orang duduk kat satu planet (contohnye Planet Krypton). Semua orang ada power yang samer. Pastu, kumpulan manusia ni pun berpecah, ada yang stay kat planet Kripton and ada yang berhijrah ke planet lain di sistem suria lain. Yang migrate ke planet lain, sebab graviti pull alien planet tu lain, dia orang dapat super power. Hebat ler kan. Semua penduduk planet tu akan mengherokan manusia tu. So best ler kan, mesti seronok! Bayangkan ler, kat planet asal semua orang same jer power dia, tup tup hijrah planet lain, terus dapat super power!!! Sapa tak nak kan? As long as kita gunakan power kita untuk kebaikan penduduk planer tu (and untuk diri kita sendiri) kira ok ler..... Rasa bangga sebab ada super power tu pun memang tak dapat dielakkan ler, itu lumrah. Tapi rasa bangga berpatutan memang bagus untuk self confident.

Ok, then satu hari tu, planet Krypton pun buat reunion, semua yang hijrah ke planet lain dipanggil hadir. So kumpulan manusia yang tak pernah keluar dari Krypton and mereka yang pergi jauh berhijrah pun berkumpul. Dalam pertemuan tersebut, kumpulan manusia yang stay kat Krypton terasa amat pelik dengan perangai mereka yang berhijrah keluar, semua cakap dan berkelakuan seolah-olah mereka ada super power (read: berlagak nak mampus!!!) Dekat planet Krypton tu kan semua orang sama power dia, jadi kenapa ada segolongan manusia tu berlagak macam mereka tu bagus sangat dan mereka ada power lebih dari yang lain?

Ini yang buat aku pelik dengan perangai segolongan manusia.
Satu jer nasihat aku pada semua dan diri aku sendiri, kat mana pun taraf kita sekarang, jangan lupa asal usul kita. Sebab kalau kita lupa pada asal usul kita, kita akan jadi tidak releven pada root kita sendiri.

Valid Questions?

While driving to work this morning I was wondering.

I am driving this car. I have full control of this car, I can stop the car anytime I want, I can just turn the steering and change my destination. The car will obey me. I am the master of my car. If I maintain the car well, it will last long and serves every one of biddings. And yes, I have full control of it.

But if my life is the car, who is sitting on the driver seat? Who is driving my life? Is it me on the driving seat? Am I 'driving' my life. Taking the full control 0f my destiny?

For some, the answer to these questions might be obvious, but not for me. I am not sitting on that driver seat. I feel out of control. I feel I am just a dry leaf on a stream. Drifting with the flow of the water. I feel I have no control of my destination. I couldn't even do 'maintenance' of my life to ensure that it will run smoothly, and some time I even feel it is not even my car! Am I not in even in my car?! no wonder there is different driver sitting on the driver seat!

I am confuse! I thought with age comes wisdom, but I seems to more clueless now. My vision is blurred, I have no aim. I feel my life is pretty fucked up. Sometimes I just shut off my brain, my thoughts, just living the life for its very moment, not to think of future or the past, stop over-thinking everything, and I always failed.

I know I must be my own driver, I ought to be sitting on that driver seat and on the driver seat on MY OWN car.

What should I do, where do I start?

no more hocus pocus....

Blogging has it benefits. My entries on my superstition has really opened my eyes. When I actually write it down, I could see the whole perspective and how stupid it is! If there were no blogs, this would have been imprisoned, suppressed inside of me.....now it out in open, it does not look so bad, infact it look rather trivial.

When I think about, it makes me think, why the hell I am being so superstitious all this while? What it got me? Where am I standing now, has anything to do with it?

I feel so stupid. From today onward, I am going to do everything against my superstition. Today onward, I am not going to give a damn.

p/s: Today is 911 5th anniversary, world is at the even worse condition from where it started.....

Security in numbers?

I was never really part of a big group as log as I can remember. In primary school, I was much of a loaner. Had no best friend. but loved to go to school and teachers loved me. Come to think of it I had pretty lousy childhood. I has only my friend outside school, we use to travel around the neighborhood, exploring every longkang, bushes and other dirty places. But no group! No football or any other group sports.

In Secondary, I had very few, but VERY close friends, which I still keep in touch till today; again I was not part of that big group. But then again, I guess, I was in the that popular group, whether I liked it or not. I was the head prefect for heaven sake ( My wife still cant believe it and always make fun of me, "head prefect apa yg perangai macam ni?" She will say if I tell her the stories of my mischievous self in school)

And in college, I was never part of the popular mainstream guys. I call them 'mainstream' because, they consider they represent the opinion of the whole batch, but in fact they are not. Mainstreams guys are normally popular among girls. Most probably had girlfriend from the 1^st year in colleague, and rather active in all college activity (most probably to impress the gals)

Well again, I belonged to the 'minority'. We had our own weird stuffs to do, we never gave rat's ass about the mainstream guys' activity, and we find it boring. Most of us, didn't have any gf till toward the final year. We were comfortable talking in our own language (nerdy sci-fi talk), live in different world (probably in even in a galaxy far... far.... away).

I never had this longing to belong to a large group of people. I just don't function well when I am in a crowd. I prefer small close knitted group. I never felt that I must belong to a group for security reason. It most probably due to my 'I don't give a damn what you think about me' and "you can judge me all you want, but it doesn't effect me in any way' attitude.

Even after I entered working life, it hadn't changed. I never bothered about that popular bunch at office. I just 'hi and bye' them when I meet them. But eventually, the friendship grows, without being forced. Hi and bye become more sincere.

Ntah le, maybe I am weird. Belonging to a group of people is great achievement for some but not for me. Maybe I am really comfortable on my own skin and had enough self confidence to stand on my own that I don't have the need to be in a large social group to function.

I don't see myself as anti-social, I just need time to let the friendship to grow. I don't force my self into a '"well established ecosystem", I let myself to adapt to the new habitat before becoming part of that ecosystem.

Over and out!

On Superstitious..........

I never confess this to anyone, or even said it out aloud when I am all alone. But I am. I am superstitious. I guess it all started when I was very young, most probably when I was in primary school, Why I become superstitious, I can't answer that, but I can remember the beginning...

 

All my life I have been a worrier, I worry about almost everything, mostly about my school, exam, my extra-curricular activities and mostly my family.

It is very silly though, I don't know who gave me the idea, but I made up a lot of superstitious believes as I grow up. It just I fear if I stop doing it, something bad will happen to me or to people around me.

 

It is sickening, I felt my life was constrained, there were no freedom, I know and felt that I am weird than the rest, but I couldn't help it. When I think back I feel stupid on how silly I have been, but when I think even deeply, I realize that I am still the same person.

 

What kinda superstition you ask? Well, if you think of voodoo doll and animal scarify, you are wrong. It was far less complicated but much more idiotic! Gosh! What kind a miserable childhood I had!

 

Hmm will I ever change? I guess not, one thing I realize is that we really can't change the way we are, maybe we gave the perception to the surrounding people that we have changed so much, but it is mostly on how we carry ourselves and communicate. Deep inside, we are still the same child we were. Did I say 'we', well change it to 'I', this is my personal opinion, I don't this any two people are alike.

 

Again...What kinda superstition you ask? Well it is too silly and embarrassing to write. It is only for me to know and for you to never find out.

Here I am again............

Here I am again, at the junction, I need to make a decision now. Which path to follow?

Hard decision, I think I am going crazy now.

Financially, I am a mess. I need to move on with my career.

Sometime I feel suffocated.

What if I took the wrong turn?

This is the moment where a simple phone call will change my life definitely....

Question is: for better or worse?

Great Expectations..........

A lot going through my mind. A lot of 'what if' questions. And then I'll start fantasizing that 'if' I have done that my life would have been like this or 'if' I can have this I could do that, and so on.

Sometimes I fantasize so detailed, that I actually felt the satisfaction of living that fantasy life. In the fact that I have an abundant time to do so doesn't help me with my problem.

Am I 'Mat Jenin', who lost out opportunity in life, while dreaming of the future that might or might not materialize?


Where is the 'big break' that everybody's talking about?

Ntah le.. Tension....

The problem is..............

The problem with me is, I wait for the instruction. I wait and I wait.

No... I am not lazy nor that I lack initiative, in fact I am dying to act on my instinct and logic, there is just too many things in my head that I want to execute, but I wait.

Once, I did that, I acted on my logic and instinct and took matters in my own hand. And what I got in the return? my ex-boss (read bitch) called me that I am 'big headed' and taking her job as the boss, bla bla bla.

I have to find a middle ground.

Emotional Creatures.........

Women are emotional creatures. This has been said to me many-many time by much wiser men. I have read it in many many books by many many famous scholars. Even in Islam, women are said not fit to be a leader due to this reason. But, the weird this was, I was skeptic about this, until recently.

All I can say is, do not bother to reason out with a women during 'that time of the month', you couldn't possible win. All logic and reason doesn't apply to them during this period. Any further argument will only worsen the situation, you might as well just agree to whatever is being argued, or just keep quiet and discuss the matter outside the period of "those days of the months". They will be more open to what you got to say that time.

I must say I am a slow learner, I have only learnt this after 4 years getting married.... Sigh..........

Melancholic mood

Two day ago I got to finally contact one of my ex-classmate back in Mara College Banting through https://namesdatabase.com/ services.

It is hard to believe that it has been more than 10 years since I left Banting. The memories are still fresh and vividly imprinted in my mind.

I found out that he is doing well, VERY well actually. He settled in London. He is an artist now, doing his PhD in art or something, did exhibition on his art works in one of the famous gallery in London, he got good review from art magazines and it seem the was an article on his work in NST last year, I must have missed it, since I read only The Star and occasionally Utusan (on Sundays only).

We have been exchanging few emails since, he updated most in our classmates, MOST decided to settle in England. Only few came back to Malaysia to work. Most married Britons (Scotts, Irish, and English). Everybody kind of settled down, doing quite well. I am happy for them; I have been out of touch from every single of them, since they left abroad.

I hated my life in Banting, I was miserable, first time away from home, I was unable to adapt quite well, but I managed somehow with help of few friends. But I only can look back now with fondest memory. I actually had a good time there, it was fun, I learned about live there. It was fun; I wish that I could re-live it.

I have been thinking a lot the 'what if' questions again.... A LOT!!!!!
What if I went to The UK with them with MARA scholarship? How would my left have turned out? I might turn out to be a different person, maybe better or maybe worse!
I have no regret of what I have right now. I am happy, it just that I can't help to stop thinking about the possibilities that I might have if my life followed a different path.

Ever since I went to vacation on 2004 summer in The UK, all I wanted is to work there and maybe one day settle down. I realize, that it all looks like bed of roses because I went there just for 2 weeks for holiday, the reality might be a bit bitter. But Europe is just magical, I can't quite describe it. It the feeling I had once I landed there, the fresh air, the whether, the smell, the people, the scenery, the politic, the history, the people, it is the whole package.

I am just wondering, the thought keep on lingering in my mind, I wish that it will go away....



The Moods
TIME drops in decay,
Like a candle burnt out,
And the mountains and woods
Have their day, have their day;
What one in the rout
Of the fire-born moods,
Has fallen away?
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939). The Wind Among the Reeds. 1899.

Revelation in Putra Feeder Bus

Today was my legs day in gym, for the first time I did the squad and my legs are screaming with pain with every step. But it is a 'good pain' that I enjoy, meant that my workout worked and my muscle is tearing apart and rebuilding....bigger.

So I was in the bus, heading home after a good workout and tiring night shift, a saw an elderly man getting into the bus, he was not that old maybe at his 50s or 60s, maybe he just retired and was in PBD for some official work. The bus was quite empty, I was sitting at the back of the bus, he got in and right before sitting down he looked at me......just for a while, I sensed sadness and regret in his stare. I didn't react, I just stared back at him, and before I could smile or anything he sat down. The whole thing happened in fraction of a second, but it had me thinking.... all the way to the LRT station.

What was in his mind when he was staring at me?
I can imagine, that maybe he was thinking that, once he was as young...as that guy sitting in at the back of the bus, and maybe he felt that he could have accomplished so many thing in his life when he still in his youth. Maybe he think that he wasted his life on wrong things, maybe he worked too hard until he neglected his friends and family or maybe he was thinking that he should have spend his youth more productively so that he can enjoy his retirement more. Or maybe I reminded him of his son, or maybe he was thinking, look at that young man, so young, at the prime of his age, and he is wasting all his time on things that really does not matter at the end (what ever is that!)
I don't know what the hell in his mind, but there is certainly a lot going on in my mind. I was thinking too much. I was sad.

I always wondered, if there is ONE advice the senior citizen wanted to give younger generation, what that would be?

I always wanted to approach my father and just talk to him about his younger days, the know all his hardship, all the suffering that he went to to bring up his life. But the thing is ,I am not that close to my father, I always wanted to be close, to break that thick wall of ice block between us, but to no avail.
I knew my father is a very hard working man. I am 30 now, and only now I knew that my dad started out as a 'Roti Man', you know, those men that sell bread house to house in motorbike. But in my father's case, it was a bicycle, imagine that! My mum said, my father will come back home roasted in sun, skin dried and darkened, all to support his loving family, and here we are complaining right after we reached home that we had the worse day because the office air cond was too cold.

How things has changed! If my father hadn't work that hard during his youth, will I be sitting here and writing this blog? I really don't think so.

I am just wondering, if my son, one day would write the same thing about me in his blog?

If there is only one advice that I wanted to hear from my father about our youth, what that would be?